Tuesday, 22 November 2016

Depression and social contract

My struggle with depression looks like this right now... I want to write a post about it, but a big part of me is telling me how cliché and stupid that is. How everybody struggles and they get through it, why can't I?

Fuck that. I'm struggling. You don't have to read this, if you don't want to.

Depression is being unable to get up despite already being awake for hours because you couldn't sleep because you wake up stressed in the night and can't drift off again because your mind wouldn't switch off thinking. Especially about the stuff that's making you feel overwhelmed.

Depression is being unable to give a shit about anything, no feelings at all... And then crying your eyes out at an episode of Doctor Who because it reminded you of some sad thing. And then to go straight back to experiencing no emotional affect at all in myself.

I can't sleep at night. I usually fall asleep okay, but then wake up very early and can't sleep again. I'm very dependent on getting my eight plus hours, and right now I bloody well am not. I have taken two days off work, today being the second, simply to rest and sleep. The phrase "too little, too late" comes to mind. What I need isn't a couple days off, what I need is to change my life.

I can't stay awake in the day. My job has no purpose or meaning. I fell asleep at my desk recently, and got caught at it by my boss. I can't bring myself to care enough about that... I know it's important, but I have too little emotional energy left to care.

I can't go shopping for myself. The sheer amount of decisions needed to navigate a shopping trip is overwhelming to the point where I am extremely glad that I can ask my housemates to pick up stuff from the shop for me. I used to love doing my own shopping, but now what with having to cycle to and navigate the store, and interact with people, I rather just avoid it. Even though my cupboard and fridge are looking pretty fucking barren right now. That's anxiety for you.

And here I'm hiding in my comfy bed from all of that and the rest of the world, because I'm so anxious and depressed and overwhelmed that I struggle to even take basic care of myself. I barely keep myself fed right now. Even brushing my teeth is a major chore. I'm just barely managing to keep up with taking my antidepressant meds.

It's really hard when you're all alone. I mean, I have housemates around and all, but it feels like my life could collapse and nobody would notice. Maybe it's already done so, and nobody did.

I need help.

I feel like I've reached a point where I want to say to (or even advertise for) someone...  be my partner and carer. For, say, six months or a year. Live with me rent free. Help me out with stuff like admin and chores. Be around for the big bad loneliness. Be the real close friend I need right now. Let's see how that goes.

Is that weird? I don't care. It's what I need right now. I'm just trying to be vulnerable and real here.

In short... I feel like I'm sinking and there's no solid ground in sight. I'm alone and scared. There's too much life to live and too little of me.

Somebody drop me a line here.