Depression and social contract

My struggle with depression looks like this right now... I want to write a post about it, but a big part of me is telling me how cliché and stupid that is. How everybody struggles and they get through it, why can't I?

Fuck that. I'm struggling. You don't have to read this, if you don't want to.

Depression is being unable to get up despite already being awake for hours because you couldn't sleep because you wake up stressed in the night and can't drift off again because your mind wouldn't switch off thinking. Especially about the stuff that's making you feel overwhelmed.

Depression is being unable to give a shit about anything, no feelings at all... And then crying your eyes out at an episode of Doctor Who because it reminded you of some sad thing. And then to go straight back to experiencing no emotional affect at all in myself.

I can't sleep at night. I usually fall asleep okay, but then wake up very early and can't sleep again. I'm very dependent on getting my eight plus hours, and right now I bloody well am not. I have taken two days off work, today being the second, simply to rest and sleep. The phrase "too little, too late" comes to mind. What I need isn't a couple days off, what I need is to change my life.

I can't stay awake in the day. My job has no purpose or meaning. I fell asleep at my desk recently, and got caught at it by my boss. I can't bring myself to care enough about that... I know it's important, but I have too little emotional energy left to care.

I can't go shopping for myself. The sheer amount of decisions needed to navigate a shopping trip is overwhelming to the point where I am extremely glad that I can ask my housemates to pick up stuff from the shop for me. I used to love doing my own shopping, but now what with having to cycle to and navigate the store, and interact with people, I rather just avoid it. Even though my cupboard and fridge are looking pretty fucking barren right now. That's anxiety for you.

And here I'm hiding in my comfy bed from all of that and the rest of the world, because I'm so anxious and depressed and overwhelmed that I struggle to even take basic care of myself. I barely keep myself fed right now. Even brushing my teeth is a major chore. I'm just barely managing to keep up with taking my antidepressant meds.

It's really hard when you're all alone. I mean, I have housemates around and all, but it feels like my life could collapse and nobody would notice. Maybe it's already done so, and nobody did.

I need help.

I feel like I've reached a point where I want to say to (or even advertise for) someone...  be my partner and carer. For, say, six months or a year. Live with me rent free. Help me out with stuff like admin and chores. Be around for the big bad loneliness. Be the real close friend I need right now. Let's see how that goes.

Is that weird? I don't care. It's what I need right now. I'm just trying to be vulnerable and real here.

In short... I feel like I'm sinking and there's no solid ground in sight. I'm alone and scared. There's too much life to live and too little of me.

Somebody drop me a line here.

I don't know where else to turn

I need to talk to somebody about my depression. Right now I can't talk to my wife because a fuck up caused partly by my muddled thinking (due to depression) has caused a big bad fight between us. I can also not talk to my girlfriend because she's already ill and also I can't exactly tell her that I feel suicidal since it's a trigger for her due to her stepfather having committed suicide not even a year ago. I vaguely recall this topic coming up between us before, but right now the act of recalling memories feels much like swimming across the Atlantic if that great ocean was filled with syrup or glue or something. So I don't know how she will react if I bring this up.

Anyway, what is the point of telling anybody else? "I'm depressed and want to kill myself so that I stop hurting the ones I love." What do you say to something like that, anyway? "Oh. Yeah, don't kill yourself. There there, it'll be okay." Whoop de fucking do. I feel better already. <sarcasm mark>

So now I'm sitting on the bathroom floor hiding from everyone so that I don't dehydrate from all the crying.

I don't know who among my friends I can reach out to, either. I'm usually the one supporting then through their troubles, so I have no handle on who could even begin to handle the load of my depression without them cracking up too.

I don't even have any pets I could cuddle to help me feel better. So yeah, now I'm pretty much stuck between a toilet bowl and a black void I want to jump into to escape being me.